Wednesday. 737 am.

Mild temps, earliest signs of spring here in Perth. residue of winter here in Perth.

Husband 1 is off to work. Before he left, he kept touching the top of his head whilst I drank my instant coffee. “Have you seen my ipod?” he says.

I shake my head.

He touches his shirt pocket, then the pockets in his coat. “Sure?” he asks. Then he finds his ipod in his shoes. The latest in his terrible hiding places. He hides electronic devices to deter me from finding and thusly smashing them. I’m no stupido. I would never. This would get me in trouble.

His memory is bad and he believes it is a sure sign he is aging. Duh. He is more vain than any man I have ever met and I know that his greatest fear is aging. This, I have determined, is the true reason his relationships have a high turnover rate. If he constantly has a new girlfriend, he will never see them grow into age and mature. This methodology will ensure that he stays young forever. The fookin picture of Dorian Gray.

[[The Picture of Dorian Gray is a novel by Oscar Wilde. Basically, Dorian is in a painting and some dickhead tells him the only thing worthwhile in life is seeking beauty and fulfilling all of the senses. Dorian falls in love with his own image and sells his shitty soul to the devil or some shite so that the PAINTING ages; not him. What a dumbass.]]

This is a tender spot for him. That is, his age. I do not personally believe 35 is old. However, it is a fact that 35 simply is not 25. It will never be. I think this reality has just dawned on him. I watch him as he stares at himself in the mirror. He flexes. He puckers his lips. He plucks his eyebrows. He does everything any person would do. There is no shame. Still, in lame-brained attempts to bring him back down to earth, I say silly things that both shock and amuse me.

When he was done licking the reflection of his nipples in the mirror, he went to pee. I brushed my teeth and I listened. It sounded, how you say, labored.

“Huh” I muttered.

“What?” he asked.

“Nothing. Just sounds like you have prostate cancer.”

FIN