The following is a piece of fiction if you are any kind of Australian Family Law magistrate.

Friday night was zoom, speed dating night. I was enlisted against my will, allegedly, to be a certified wingman for Caussie. As a matter of fact, I thought it was a meet and greet for those recovering from failed marriages. I did not know it was speed dating. I didn’t even pay because I had no money to. Caussie paid.

Now, on to the good stuff.

Free champaGne. I didn’t have a chance to even pretend I was other people because loose lips sink ships and I couldn’t stop rambling on about stupid things to make these bachelors feel good about themselves.

One guy, Travis, was sweating like a whore in church. I asked him if he was nervous “Yes. Very. I’ve been to south africa a number of times.” Obviously, travis. You’re sitting in this air conditioned room like its africa hot in here. dumb-dumb. you dont deserve love. Just kidding.

Then there was Rocker Robby. Rocker Robby was neither a rocker or named Robby. He was a cuban or something that rocked wildly in his seat. ugh.

Then, Gaylord Arian. He was children of the corn white and was into ballroom dancing.

Another was a new zealand guy who had an eyebrow piercing (people, can we leave the old eyebrow piercing back in 1999? Please?) and he was basically cleaning up his life after a bout with meth. Nice guy, seriously.

There was a persian guy, a guy from spain… I delivered the same line of q’s : why are you single? you are stunning to behold.

meh. I was dranked. I kept pointing my cousin out to everyone. they loved it.

But here is the most amazing part of the night.

I hear “Michelle?” and it is S. who was J’s live-in gf from years ago. she was there, speed dating, and wanted to chat me up regarding the news she heard (i TOLD you this is a smallish town sometimes… she heard!) and here I was, drunk, out of sorts, trying to be charming and funny and every bit the reason i was the special chosen one in J’s eyes and heart—- NOT. I actually said, “enchante” and extended my classy hand like royalty. That is slightly disturbing to know i did that.

Anyhow, all you need to know is this night never happened. This was a piece of pure fiction and I never went speed dating and even if I did I was tricked into going and was ready to leave but had to wait for caussie.

and yes, I did meet S. It was surreal. Turns out, I am not the first and I aint going to be the last. But make now mistake, this is something I already knew.

Enchante.