Pssh. You should ask, “have you not been drinking.” That’s pretty much how I feel right now.

I went to the mall and purchased some goods that both my body and vagina needs. Toilettries if you please. Then, I came home.

When I arrived, I no sooner had my granny panties around my ankles bound to the toilet itself when I hear a light rapping on my window pane. “Hellooo!?” It was the smooth stylings of miss jean from London.

I quickly pulled up the pants and walked to the door (I had the door opened and the screen was ajar, so I couldnt hide).

“Fancy a coffee, luv?”

“Of course!”

I head to hers and we chat about this that and the extras. I tell her my complaints of living with men. “They spackle the goddamn toilet and then walk away as if I dont have to see it— as if THEY dont see it. Animals. All of them” I offer. She exhales a long puff of smoke from her Horizon Orange and says, “I’d wear shower shoes if I was you. Go to the Big K. (kmart) and get yourself a pair of thongs to wear. The fungus on feet is spreading.”

Right-o. I think its a great idea.

So then I leave and decide I am hungry. I drive a minute down the street to Lidos. Lidos is asian food and it is a nice, popular restraunt. They must have feng shuid the shit out of that place because its really no better or worse than any other B rated asian cuisine place in Northbridge (nothing beats Peking Palace when it WAS in fact Peking Palace…. F that Chin’s booshizz)

So I go to there, alone. And you know, it aint so bad dining alone. Sometimes, I bring a book. Sometimes I bring a notepad and pen. Sometimes I bring nothing but my breasts and my appetite. I dohnt chare. Today though, I wanted to be a food critic.

I brought a notepad and wore a plum beret, my aviator glasses and very casual attire. I asked to sit outside. I did. I ordered a mango beer. Then I ordered chicken fried rice (always) and some minced prawn on the teeny tiny skinny noodles. OK. Then I read and wrote and enjoyed it all at my own pace. The sun was shining and when I saw the owner looking at me, I would take a bite, and then nod my head and jot something stupid in my notebook “something….stupid” i actually wrote. This way, he thinks he is getting a good review. Brilliant, Michelle. Brilliant.

Plus with my yankee accent, they probably thought even more of whatever they thought.

Meanwhile, I am two mango beers deep and I am thinking about something funny. I hate him for this. But whenever I would lay into him about anything, he would cut me off with, “Have you been drinking?” Initially, I never laid into him while drunk. Lately, I have been. And I refuse to be that drunk. So, I would chuckle to myself and say to him, “How dare you.” hahahhaha. I would be drunk as sin and actually lie to him and say, “How dare you. No. No i am not drunk. You know what? I’m done. G’night.” and then repeat under my breath for him to hear, “have you been drinking. The nerve of this guy.”  Then I would go to bed and laugh into my pillow because between you and me… yes. I was drunk.

Anyhow, so i think this thought and remember not to forget it because it is in fact humorous. Just then, these professional wrestler/bodybuilder/athletic types saunter out of Lidos. I sit there, looking like a stud with my mango beer, rice, chop sticks and attitude and I stare at these Once, We Were Warriors looking fools. Complete with Maori tats on their faces and everything. They are massive. Their arms have just swallowed tanks and I am staring at them because, well, they are staring at me. Finally, I make them pee their pants with a quick, “Hey, whats up” (Mind you, I had been drinking) so they smile and say “How ya goin luv?” And I just smile and think Michelle you big dummy. now look what you did. This is why people dont like you, you talk to everyone too much.

Anyhow, they chat me up and I let them, but guess what? I dated Misi Savea in High School and took a Samoan to prom. I ain’t afraid of no Poly. Even if he has his face tattoed . Even if he looks like he smashed a plate of coconuts over his head for a snack.

They finally tell me to have a nice day and I do. I have a nice day. Of course. They told me to.

And now I am home.

To answer your question, yes. I have been drinking.