Perth to Melbourne was a quick flight. I swore I would stay awake because I wanted to sleep for the REAL part of my journey home: Melbourne to LAX. 

I was wrong. Dead wrong. 

I slept the entire Perth to Melbourne journey. When I woke up, they were clearing the food trays and I asked miss thing to bring me some pretzels. 

Then, I arrived in Melbourne for a 4 hour wait to load a Spruce Goose sized plane (with the double decker design and stairs… it was so big that I was this close to asking for a smaller plane because I feared the plane wouldn’t be able to get up [or stay up] in the air. Howard Hughes WAS a lunatic so who knows).

I get on the plane and my row was empty. SLEEP. But not sleep. Why? Excitement. Anxiety. Happy. Sleepy? But the Cuban grandmother nearby smelled like a total grandma and I helped her with her seat belt. 

My mom and bro picked me up at the airport and I was FREEZING. My body had acclimated to the weather in Australia and I was totally unprepared for the winter here. I had on a thick ass coat and was shivering. Big time. 

I think it was vertigo. Mostly, I think it was the feeling of being absolutely, positively, 100% without the invisible ties one creates. 

I was without any immediate responsibility or commitment for the first time in ages. This was a feeling to rare to me that I nearly threw up at the thought of it. If I wanted to sleep all day, I could. But I didn’t. I immediately handled business. By the time I curled up on my brother’s couch, I was too exhausted to do a thing. 

The next day, (today), I immediately got a colonic. I lost 4 pounds of stress induced fecal matter in 1 hour. I recommend a colonic. Seriously.

Then, I ran errands and hung with my mom where I regaled her with colorful tales of my Australian adventure and she cried and she said she was proud of me for being so strong. I didn’t cry. I’m too strong. (kidding). 

After which, I swung by the grocery store to get food. Let me tell you: late night grocery shopping is basically late night boyfriend/girlfriend shopping. Believe the tv shows and movies. It is a real thing. I never knew it. I have never in my life been checked out so hard by so many men than at Ralphs at 10pm. Oh wait. Just read that out loud silently. I was totally alone shopping at 10 pm wearing heels. What a dumb hoe. 

Either way, I’m at my place (its my brothers but I will call it mine). Tomorrow I have my first day back at the gym with a trainer who is an amusing black guy. Literally. 

Then, I get my phone turned on. Once my phone is turned on, Ima call you. Let’s get some nice wine and lamb for dinner. 

Let’s do this, America.