*Today I woke up and said “NO!” to brushing my teeth. That’s Rancho Relaxo style.

Friday, 4:26 PM

Enjoying the last few days in Australia.

There’s a movie showing on channel 73 here called “Carry on Loving” -  an old 70s british comedy. I hit ‘info’ on the controller and this is what comes up: “A feuding couple creates a dating agency and find that they are inundated with randy locals.” 

Godblessit. It’s not that I’m bored, I’m not. I’m just very anxious and excited. I feel like I’ve been in a coma for 7-8 months. Now I’m awake and can see everyone and how they’ve aged…while I’ve stayed youthful and innocent. 

I no longer use the gmail that was my old new name and now use a gmail strictly for my new old name (GMAIL is pretty much as good as legally binding) and I shan’t take another man’s name again. Maybe. Maybe not. Who cares. Even J.Lo’s dumb ass says it’s too soon. And if she and Casper are on shaky ground, I should definitely not jump into anything. 

Word. Is. Born. 

Most importantly, I am out of his shack and I don’t have to hide all of my awesome new clothes. So, goodbye to my: “Dont Anyone Ever Have Sex at Me” outfits and hello to my  “You will never get this! You will never get this! LALA LA LA LA!”  outfits. 

How do I know things are back to normal? 

Well, stop me if you’ve heard this before but when I was 23, Kelly found a 5 inch albino hair unraveling its way out of the center of my back. From time to time, she’d pluck it out and make white jasmine tea from it. Anyhow, here’s something wild: While I was with him, it disappeared. Now, though, I was in the bathroom looking at how stupid hot I was(n’t) and the hair is back. My old friend! It never grows longer than 5 inches. It’s always in the same spot. Always white. 

Im 100% convinced it’s my twin living in my spine. I’ll have to get a be-eb. a bibob. a bibopsy. 

If, by chance, you’ve never heard about my dragon hair, please ignore that last part and pretend that I am just kidding. 

If you already knew about it, I’ll let you touch it for good luck for $5.