In this scene, our heroine is sitting on a couch watching Waiting to Exhale for the millionth time, enjoying Angela Basset’s, ‘Get yo shit! Get yo SHIT…. and get out!” all while leaning into her chicken Kebab saying, “Do it, Thats it, Angie. Tell him!”

Then, suddenly:

Entering stage left is Gay Uncle Nic complete in a sweaty business suit.

Gay. What is gay? Well, if gay was a multi-colored parrot sipping orange Fanta from a cock flavoured straw perched upon Liberace’s golden shoulder, while sighing out, “Do you have The Notebook? I need a good crÿ” all while simultaneously ticking the “Pig Play” box on his manhunt.com profile, that would be the type of gay Nic is.

Right now GOD’s having cereal, looking at his milk carton, tracing over a picture of Nic where it says “Missing Angel”.

“Ügh. I am OVER this bloody heat,” said Nic while spinning out of his suit, dropping his luggage, and standing in his blue Bali brand VERSACE bikini briefs looking over at Husband 1 who replied, “Need a place to stay?”

And then there were three. The funny thing is that Schlomo actually started laying down the law, “Michelle, you sleep on the couch, Nic you sleep on the (urine/semen/blood stained) spare mattress in the spare room… Im having my room back.”

Someone forgot he’s been demoted months ago. Needless to say, I have the best sleep in the house. It’s like a little garden gnome trying to cast spells with a little wand made out of a twizzler…. in other words, it’s amusing.

So, guess what. It’s all done. My flight is next week.

Goodbye stress. Goodbye drama. Goodbye to all that. Now onto the business of finding my center, my calm, and my peace again before going to work and moving forward. I will not worry about alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits or perverts and his Australian Stick Insect. Instead…. I choose Chaka Khan.

Now, every zodiac sign rules a particular part of the body. For example, my bro is an Aquarius. They rule the ankle. Ask him how many times he’s twisted or sprained his ankle. Ask. He should just turn them in with his feet and ask for wheels. Thats how many times.

Im a pisces and if I dont have an asian lady giving my fins a pedicure, then set me on fire and throw away the key. I’ve gone over a year without a proper pedicure and so yesterday I went and got one. A real one. I almost peed on the lady (read, “Pig Play” per homodictionary). On my feet, I chose O.P.I. #67 ‘No Room for the Blues’.

I walked all the way back home staring at my happy feet. I then watched the Simpsons and to be honest have never laughed harder at the Simpsons in my life.

I just kept laughing and smiling and I’m not faking shit. I really do appreciate this entire experience. Sure, I might go speak to someone when I get home, but not for any reason other than to vomit this all out so I dont bring any negative vibes into my next relationship.

It’s all about a cleanse! Like, today, I’m getting the negative joo joo off of my hair and chopping it ALL off. Its okay— hearts heal, hair grows back, bridges can be built, and anything in life that can be replaced will be.

I’m even getting a colonic before I leave. A real colonic. I think I’ll post my experience on FB because…. why stop sharing now?