I’m officially 67 years old and I completely blame myself because I started the trend of eating dinner at 4PM and sleeping by 830PM when I was 17 and it has been a wild ride ever since. Today cemented my place on the Denny’s Early Bird Special Hall of Fame list. I got up, dyed my hair a bronze tint but it turned out BLUE, dressed, and met my pal Jean to go to the Clairemont Craft Fair. Be still your beating hearts and hang on tight, ya’ll. Not only did we get there FIRST but we each took turns complaining about the entrance fee of $6. SIX DOLLARS. (“Who do they think they are?” said I. ) We go into this giant warehouse where we sloooooowly walked each aisle. She found her knick knacks and I just purchased some kettle pop corn and noshed on that while I walked. When I didn’t want to spoil my supper I went ahead and curled the bag of popcorn up and placed it in my big purse. I whispered to her at every booth, “You could just make that. Why buy it? Just a bit of sewing.” When I refused to buy this bag that I really liked because “I could find this elsewhere for much less. Sales are going to be happening soon” I realized I was officially a Fuddy Duddy Stick-in-the-Mud. And when I yawned at 1PM, Jean and I decided it was time for an afternoon nap. She’s sleeping next to me as I type this to you, bless her. Just kidding. She and I totally don’t take afternoon Nana Naps together. Don’t be dumb. I changed into the youngest outfit I could find the moment I walked home. This includes, but is not limited to, a diaper, a bonnet, and a mobile MOBILE above my head with plastic zoo animals going round and round. What? I said the YOUNGEST outfit. Duh. No, I put on my Daisy Dukes and sang, “I ain’t got no panties on/ ain’t got no panties on// I ain’t got no panties on// on the dance floor” and a demure top. Then, I walked to MILKD where the finest Argentinian dude works, and flirted my ass off. Shiiiiet, he don’t need to know that he’s a GAY. Bad luck though. As I have previously stated on the forum known as Facebook, the Australian internet has been acting up like crazy for the last three days. Like, Australia needs to call India who has direction from Silicon Valley in Cali for technical support on how to upgrade this dial-up connection nonsense. The Argentinian with his thick curled up lashes says, “Lo Siento. Pero —- we? em, no, we? uh…. oh, HOUR inturrnets es no.. es no.. es no em…. how jew say, good today?” I just went, “Ssshhhh” and put my finger on his pretty mouth to shut him up, and said, “No mas, mi amor. No mas.” Then I paid for my coffee and sat down. Today is officially not that bad. And I can say that officially because at 3:45PM, the day’s over for my old ass.