Obviously, a dream gig would be to have no gig and write novels and watch checks show up in my bank account. Until that day, the dream would be this:

Re-writing instructions for all products. Because, sometimes they are dumb. eg. “unwrap pizza from plastic” and “cook until cheeze all melted”

I would also write: “Unless you like burning the shit out of your mouth, let it cool for a minute with your greedy ass.” I know it seems like im joking but im convinced in certain demographics, this would be well appreciated.

For prego tests: “Ah, you done fucked up now, didnt you? You know what to do. Good luck. There’s two in case you dont believe, puta.”

For toilet paper, 1-ply: “You got the cheap brand so dont trip when it ends up in your hand.”

For fiber cereal: “Get the expensive toilet paper for this box of cereal.”

and so on. Honesty really is the best policy.

**Thought of this this MORNING while awaiting my frozen pizza i just HAD to have for breakfast. I burnt my mouth. Im a greedy ass ho.